3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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