I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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