This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
