im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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