even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
