is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
