FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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