You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
