I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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