he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
