I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
