Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Success! We fucked roommates!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
