I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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