My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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