I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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