thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
