definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
