Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
