I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Girls should come with a carfax report
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
