So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
being pregnant is like rehab
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
