I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
