it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
