That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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