I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
