I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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