Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
