Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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