I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
