My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im six kinds of drunk right now
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
