Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
