MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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