your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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