I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
