I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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