theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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