I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
