I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
