I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
