just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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