i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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