he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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