Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
