Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just gift wrapped bread.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
