I can text with my tongue
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
