when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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