I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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