Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
