Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
