My girlfriend figured out who you are.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize