Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
