How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
