I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
