Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
