so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
