is your mom at the bar?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Is her dick bigger than yours?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
