i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
