I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
