I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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