Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
