hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
